“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

Not every story has a happy ending. Sometimes the hero doesn’t get the girl. Sometimes the bad guy gets away. And sometimes a little girl breaks her daddy’s heart and he is powerless to do anything to save her.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Yesterday, my oldest daughter Allison, at 19 days old, joined her identical twin sister, Rory, in Heaven. She was surrounded by her mommy and daddy, her grandparents and many, many uncles and aunties that all loved her dearly.

Having premature babies has been quite a journey for Keao and I. It has truly been a roller coaster of emotion. We were excited to find out we were pregnant, elated to find out they were twins, a little nervous to find out that our twins were now triplets and everything in between.

It devastated us to find out that one of our girls had a heart defect and wouldn’t survive long after birth. It terrified us knowing that so many things could go wrong at any step of the way. It relieved us when Keao finally did give birth, and even though it was a little early, Allison and Casey seemed healthy and responsive.

Which brings us to yesterday. Actually let’s back up a few more days.

Saturday: Saturday was a fabulous day. I survived boot camp, had a great morning at discipleship, went to my parents’ house for lunch and even managed to do some work around the house. Then Keao and I went shopping, started registering for our baby shower and even managed to sneak in a quick movie date matinee. That night we visited our girls and Keao held Allison for about an hour while I carried Casey for an hour and a half. We went to bed happy, content parents.

Sunday: I went to church as usual, but sometime during the second service I received a phone call from Keao. Allison may have an infection. They’re not sure what it is, but her stomach looks a little distended and she’s not digesting all of her food. Best case scenario: we give her some antibiotics and she clears right up. Worst case scenario: she has Necrotizing Enterocolitis or NEC as it’s commonly referred to.

NEC is a very serious infection that affects the intestines of premature babies. Our doctor said that they’re not sure what exactly causes it, but it is almost found exclusively in premature babies. Basically, it is a disease that causes the intestines do die off and without treatment (or working intestines) the baby will die.

By the time we got to the hospital, it was obvious that Allison’s stomach was distended. It was round and hard and it looked like she was in some serious discomfort. The staff at the Kaiser NICU was incredible. They got us chairs and even moved all of the other babies out of the room so that Casey and Allison had the whole room (and staff) to themselves. Allison’s doctor, Dr. Chiu, handed off all of her other cases so she could dedicate herself fully to our little sick girl. They even got us a room for the night in the hospital so we could be close and check in at any time.

Our surgeon came to the hospital around 6pm and explained that he would try to open up Allison’s stomach to relieve some of the pressure within her and to try to see what was going on in there. When he finished, around half and hour later, he did not bring good news. He explained to us that around 80% of her intestines had already died and the remaining 20% didn’t look like it would make it. The only hope he did give us was that if they remaining 20% did survive and make it, he may be able to remove the dead portion and start some treatment.

After much crying and praying Keao and I somehow managed to fall asleep that night. As you can imagine we didn’t sleep very well that night. Worried sick about Allison we tossed and turned and even went to visit her during the middle of the night.

Monday: Still worried and fearful, Keao and I started the morning with prayer. We needed a miracle. The only way our Allison would survive would be if God healed her miraculously. After praying, we felt a little better and was just about to head downstairs. However, we were interrupted by a knock on the door. Dr. Chiu had come up to give us an assessment of the situation. Allison was not looking better and her situation did not improve. Actually it looked worse.

Devastated. That’s the only word I can use to describe our feelings at that moment. We decided that if this would be our last day with our little girl, we would spend it by her side the entire way.

So many times in life we have faced disappointment or trials. Every time, even when it seems like it’s the end of the world we somehow manage to get through it. Before we headed downstairs to look at our daughter, I leaned over to Keao and whispered in her ear, “We’ll get through this…together. No matter what happens, we’ll get through this together.”

By the time we did go downstairs they were already preparing Allison so we could carry her. They hooked her up to more medication and a breathing machine that helped her breathe because her little body was so exhausted from fighting the infection. Even though this was a step backward because she had been breathing on her own, it enabled her to have her SiPAP removed so we got to look at her face for the very first time without any hindrances. Just like her sister Rory, she was beautiful.

Throughout the day we just carried her and told her how much we loved her and how proud of her we were. She was a fighter and she fought until the very end. Her little body just wasn’t designed to digest food yet and we asked her to do too much too soon. Even though we only had 19 days with her she was a complete answer to our prayers.

Keao held her close and sang to her. She got to tell her how she got her name, Allison Hope Yayeko Ka’olinanahenahe. She told her all the dreams and wishes we had for her. And for the very first time, Keao got to kiss her oldest daughter.

Spending our last precious moments together

When it was my turn, I told her how I would always pray over her and just watch her in her little isolette. So proud and so full of love for her. How excited we were when she started breathing on her own and getting to drink milk. How when she cried it was like music to our ears. I told her I was sorry that I wouldn’t see her grow up and be able to hold her hand anymore or carry her anymore. I would never get the chance to introduce her to the guitar or golf or the Beatles. I’ll never be able to take her to Japan or Disneyland. I’ll never be able to talk to her about boys or hug her the first time a boy breaks her heart, It breaks my heart to know that I’ll never be able to see her go to prom or give her away to get married. All of the hopes and dreams we had for her, we understood, would never be realized. My heart is completely shattered.

I guess after 19 days apart, Rory and Allison would be together again. Our identical twin girls together are with my dad and Jesus.

Through all of this, I still don’t have all the answers. I don’t understand how we could lose two out of three children before we could even take them home. How we went from a family of five to a family of three in less than 20 days. How we got to the hospital with three babies and we’re left with one baby and two memory boxes. I still don’t know why or understand and I may not ever know until I get to Heaven, but that’s okay. God is still good and I’m still choosing to praise him.

As the day wore on Keao and I realized we didn’t have much time left. As we carried her we understood that she was slowly fading away. She became less responsive as she grew weaker and just couldn’t fight anymore. Her tiny body just exhausted itself. By the time they stopped giving her the medication that was keeping her alive and they removed her breathing tube we knew she only had moments left with us. Then with one last tiny gasp Allison Hope Yayeko Ka’olinanahenahe Sunaoka went to be with her sister.

And as I did every night before I left the hospital, I leaned over toward her so only she could hear me and I whispered, “Good night Allison, daddy loves you.”